Chris Rock fans

Chris Rock Jokes Born February 7, 1965, in Andrews, South Carolina, Rock got his start on Saturday Night Live. I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They''ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah''s on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can''t get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week. My mother is the kind of woman you don''t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons. My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. "If they ain''t cutting it off, I ain''t paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they''ll come and tap on your window." Her whole philosphy of life was: if you die owing money, then you''ve won. Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost $5,000, we wouldn''t have any innocent bystanders. That''d be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''''Damn, he must have did something. S**t, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.'''' People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. ''''Man, l would blow your f**king head off, if l could afford it. l''m gonna get me another job, l''m gonna start saving some money, and you''re a dead man! You better hope l can''t get no bullets on layaway.'''' So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won''t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ''''l believe you got my property.'''' People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don''t eat no red meat? No, don''t eat no green meat! If you''re one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it! We got so much food in America we''re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain''t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda''s got a f**king lactose intolerance?! Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four. A man is only as faithful as his options. A white boy that makes C''s in college can make it to the White House. You know the worst thing about n****rs? N****rs always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A n****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n****r will say some s**t like, "I take care of my kids." You''re supposed to, you dumb motherf**ker! What kind of ignorant s**t is that?! "I ain''t never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You''re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf**ker! You don''t pay taxes. They take taxes. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. I don''t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there''s no rehab for stupidity. If a woman tells you she''s 20 and looks 16, she''s 12. If she tells you she''s 26 and looks 26, she''s damn near 40. Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn''t even the star of his own Halloween special. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting sho

The man is a legend! seriously side splitting funny!